Leapt out cry
by solange channonix
Summary: So maybe I'm cheerful in the light of the day, but as long as I'm Shinigami and Death is way too close for comfort, every night she's getting me... I'm her God ? No, I'm her servant, feeding her with fresh blood, my own...


I'm French. My English isn't perfect.   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

Duo's POV.   
  
  


Leap-out cry   
**by solange channonix**

  
  
  


_ So maybe I'm cheerful in the light of the day, but as long as I'm Shinigami and Death is way too close for comfort, every night she's getting me... I'm her God ? No, I'm her servant, feeding her with fresh blood, my own..._

I seem happy, don't I ? Why anyone never wonders how could I actually be happy ? 

I remember my mother, just glimpses, huge violet eyes looking down at me since ever and one day these eyes getting glassy and staying open though they couldn't see anymore, never. 

How old could I be ? Four or not even that ? I shouldn't even remember, but somehow, I do, I cuddled against her, but that wasn't enough to warm her up. She'd turned cold so after many days of crying I left her corpse and burned remnants of my home with tears still stinging under my eyelids, but not willing to flow anymore. If I would have let them, I would have cried whole my life. I come from Earth, I bet somewhere in North-Eastern Asia. It was winter when they killed my mother, I was cold and looking for warmth I ended somehow onboard a shuttle to L2. They knew I was there, but they didn't even care. Once being there, I crawled off and went on the streets to look for food... 

That day in the evening I stole a piece of bread from a girl sleeping in a back alley. That day, I was born, as Duo Maxwell, not the spoiled brat I had had to be before, bearing a name I don't remember. Not that just that night I was already wearing that name, for some time I was Nanashi, too, just unlike Trowa, I met someone to give me a name, only to have that someone taken away from me way too soon. I've stolen more than just medication from those soldiers, I've stolen a gun. Then, after Solo had died I went back to their base with it and shot two of them, from the darkness, several times. I bet I killed them. 

That day, the God of the Death was born in me. I didn't manage to escape, a soldier caught me and forced me to do few things for him in exchange for letting me go. I had had to be good if I managed to get some water to wash Solo's corpse from him, too. I lost my virginity that damned day, and sliced both my wrists open over Solo's body. 

I woke up in heaven, known as well as Maxwell's Church's orphanage. I watched my younger friends from the gang go, being adopted, one by one, until all of them were gone. I was glad for them and as for me, I preferred to stay, I was happy there with Father Maxwell and Sister Helen and beside that, who would have wanted such a messed up kid with a braid and deep scars on both wrists ? Only the two of them were able to love me, they were the best people I ever met. Their deep belief in God was making them like that. I wanted and tried to believe in him, too, but... but... 

One day, they came to destroy my heaven, as everything else in my life ever before and after. I saw Death again, taking the best persons out of that world, striking with no purpose and no consideration. 

How was I supposed to believe God's been merciful ? He's never had mercy over me. He hadn't had a fucked mercy over his own son... To sacrifice, is it ? So that my pain's been making world better ? One bit of pain for one bit of real happiness ? Bullshit, if it's been like that heaven would have come to Earth thousands years ago, and it fucked hadn't ! 

Next year, just a blur till I got to Peacemillion, bloody blur. I was killing, I don't know how many and how, I was taking drugs, I don't remember anything. Then, I joined Scavengers and one day I've seen Deathscythe, my way to avenge them all. I wasn't going to listen much to the orders, I wanted to kill. G didn't need to repeat twice for me to steal the mobile suit and just come to Earth and kill. 

Peace... At some moment, I realized I was supposed to fight for it. No more wars, orphaned children getting their parents killed and seeing them die, massacres, no more senseless deaths, something worth fighting for, wasn't it ? So there I was, fighting for peace, killing to save, there I was, killer of thousands but hopefully savior of millions. 

Why have I been smiling ? To cover the tears, believe me, it's easier to turn sobbing into maniacal laughter than emotionless mask. For one to wear an emotionless mask he needs to be empty inside, in a way. I'm not empty, I'm filled with sorrow. An emotionless mask is for guys like Yuy. He hasn't seen nothing in his life, he hasn't felt real pain, he has never had nothing and no one close to him and lost it, hasn't seen the death, striking with no purpose and no sense. So he can parade around being though guy, there was nothing in his past to break him. Tro ? Tro doesn't wear emotionless mask, for me Tro's looking like one who cried much, very much, until there was no more tears left and he got his silent peace. I would do this myself if I don't feel that once beginning to cry I'll never stop. So instead of letting my tears flow, I'm letting my blood to do so... The pain is what makes me real, the Death is my only companion... 

And to think that Yuy is sleeping next door, so damned oblivious to all of this...   
  


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